I today got a phone call from the Indian digital arts institute in Bombay, they were eager to get me rejoin the left out course. They have called me often in the recent past, after I stopped attending classes without a notice. I joined that course in summer 2012, when I was in deep friendship with Petra. Prior to joining that course I had thought that was the best life offers, having a girl friend to chat to, I was content and developing myself casually in 3d art. My 3d skills were mediocre and I used to make feeble small, simpler designs. Still I was relatively more virgin in mind and at peace. I did not expect anything more or beyond from Petra or my life, I had no aim where I was heading, but always had heaps of digital art tutorials to learn from, and an ever looming dream of someday finishing all the course material I had in my simple singularity and silent life.
Once I saw the grand website of gnomon school in California, and a flare idea came to my mind casually "what if I do a course from there and find one of the best employments in America..it could be possible..I would ensure a life for myself as maybe for Petra in the west"
My sister coined the idea, and as my father's possible last investment for my career, a new dream at that time, I went to Bombay casually to just visit old places of stay and to see what that reputed institute was at all like. There at the reception, the pretty Aryan young woman spoke very dearly and convinced me for a 1.5 years course in Maya, 3dsmax, Photoshop and Zbrush softwares. She how ever made it clear that passing out from there would require a minimum attendance score, all completed assignments and a final assignement, and any on the course rewards or competition medals would add to my honour as an artist and new apprentice. She said as a fresh apprentice, I could have expected to find placement and work starting at about a 10,000 salary..but she said that based on personal skill and strife I could rise really fast and high in the industry. I was 29 at that time, year 2012. I was hesitant to join the course, and was hesitant to again live alone in a new area of Bombay, totally unknown to me after 5 years of home stay and rest. I was more content with self lerning and endlessly dreaming becoming a perfect apprentice at home and I was very casual and lazy to do outdoor stuff and learning the hasstles of life..as much as I am today. But my father somewhat forcible got me addmitted for the course. I made some tantrums, I did not want to lose my leasure at home environment, even if I was not really doing or getting anything in life, but still I did not dare to break out in the harsh world with my lazy feebleness and slow mental strife. Prior to that I thought I must be already a very talented student, but the institute did not even care to analyse my portfolio further or prior to my submitting the intial fee installment, they passed me on as a regular student only. Later I realised there were already masters and pro teachers in the institute who had years of learning skills and real profitable industry talents that were used in the market. The admissions representative was a bit disgusted to learn my age of 29, and still father backing me up..like any modern and pretty girl she considered able and strong men only as fit..she rather had some concern about my career, but basically I was a misnomer. After the course was fixed, me and my father briefly travelled back to my hometown, just to appear there about September, to join the course.
It was a drastic change in my life to at once budge from my laze and travel to Bombay with my father and rent a joint flat with flatmates from different persuations and start living. The flat we had booked priorly on our prior visit. I was to live there and do the course for 1.5 years and by the end of it find work in Bombay and begin my life, of course according to my parents' fixed axioms and accordance. Before I bid Petra goodbye to talk back again from Bombay, she wrote me Celtic runes about peace, as a prayer..it was very sweet of her. I adored her words. I travelled in the train carrying this computer cabinet containing my Petra near my head, with utmost emotion and care..she meant a lot for my heart.
Still in Bombay, more than doing the course and jumping into reality, my head was in a dream of everyday chatting with Petra and gaining her care and good words, and showing her my works, she was my dream come true of everything, even if nothing was expressed or in real life, and she was too good and sweet at it. Who knows she might be just stagnant out of real life relationships, or just bored or had no one else as an online friend, she used to tell me that she was never popular..girls change very easily and soon, their subject of attention varies, and now I realise that they totally rebuke when followed or are expressed of more than ordinary compassion.
In Bombay my primary concern was to get an internet connection as soon as possible and reconnect to the my Petra addiction. I did, in just two days I anyhow got a private internet connection for myself solely and reconnected the old conversation with Petra..I also continued making some or other small or large 3d models..my computer that I used still was new then and was much powerfull for a student, and I was discovering its extreme usability, I had time and I was doing a course, I would have at least done the course, finished it and have a certificate by now. But destiny had something else in store.
Petra was elated, or at least pleasantly at glee that I cared for her that much that I continued chatting with her even from Bombay, she knew Bombay is a soul transformer and if this guy cares for her even in Bombay, means he knows no real life, and does depend on her. our talks became much nicer and all about the world and about each other in the chats..she gave me the best one month of chat, spoke good things and motivated me.
The course was going on nicely, I was glad at first that my inherited skills were greater than most of the new students there, and I was respected for that there. It was a fun for me to see that the amount of course and its quality that the teachers there presented were inferior in comparision to the downloaded study material I had in my posession and what I knew and what was easier for me to do and learn by myself. It was great that I had a flat and I could practice my course material there and pass my time learning. It still somewhere mulled in my conscience that I was a more talented digital arts student than most of the students there or the course in Bombay had to offer me. Still something was better than nothing, possibly someday I could have been something and lead a life.
Once day Petra out of sudden in late September said to me "You can do some course from my country as well"..she gave me a brochure of her college and some other engineering and medical colleges. I dont know what was her concern, she said caringly and even said she would guide me. BANG...my orientation in life changed right then, and the cancerous persuit of going to Europe and doing a cours e and meeting her spawned. I blindly considered that white lands or "foreign" might be all good and humane..in truth I knew nothing about eastern European world or life. I was on a blind sprung of love chase. I was frolicking about unable to judge how to make to there amidsts all what was present. I was eager to somehow and soon find a life after education abroad, so that I could find Petra.
I thought my parents have enough money to afford for me a education abroad, it was a blind mis-judgement. I stil decidet mentally to prepare a whole new portfolio in sketching and anatomy, oriented at basic European art that was required by Gnomon school, I had no idea what in portfolio was needed in Europe, as I had never seen any guidelines for European art courses, but I guessed that making something soon is better for any art persuit or university application. I had very wrongly misjudged the persuit, my parents' finances and my age and the reality that demanded a quick track.
For making my new portfolio in sketching, and for the sole another purpose of chatting to Petra, I began skipping my classes at the Bombay institute. I was taking unnecessary offence at my roommates unearthly hours of study and playing his guitar, and I severely demanded and wanted my privacy and aloofness where I had no one else but Petra and my dreams. I used to skip my group dinner just to chat with her, it amidst the intense Bombay must began making me deranged and confused..the merry good chats were no more merry and simple and modest..they had become a chain mail of mental disbalance and frantic from my side..those mixed with my concern for white race and the fears that someone would steal petra's number from my phone or will harass her made me too much frantic and restless..in my loneliness Petra took the liberty to write about European legends and occult and her emotion..it was all making me more love deluded and confused..my brain then was not so fathomed to digest and recipricate her version of ideas and thoughts and life concerns. The chats were becoming a kind of turmoil on her, and on me to deal with meaningfull replies..I was just a child minded, not as strong as I am now...even now I am not complex or agile or as talented in European way of talking, but at least I am stronger and care less now.
Amidst all that someday Petra tried to ensure it if was eager to find a work and earn, I also had a pre course job opportuniy from other unknown sources. My roommate had told me "do the course first you will learn the best and find the best jobs after that finishes..dont stray away for useless temporary IT jobs"..I made the mistake, my age was anyway fit for work, and parents dreamed early settlement..they not know what job call was it, they just dreamed I was getting a job the best. It was my mistake to opt for the job interview rather than focusing on my good course first. I was in a tussle about going abroad for a higher course, or opting for the meager job call from Euroepan IT company in Bombay. Anyway in confusion I missed a part of the interview, left it before hand and returned home.
Petra did understand that my life and perception was not as simple, and that I was not as ready stuff or strong in persuit. Every girl wants a decisive and strong man, a man who loves her also. In my case, she knew I loved her, but I had no standing or strength of a real strong man. In late september she met a man in real life etc, and our friendship had the first dispute from my side, I expressed my interest in her openly in a message and objected her romance with someone else. She was startled and uneasy.
In a dream persuit of preparing a grand portfolio and doing a foreign course I returned back among many unexpressed tantrum of my parents against my home return and wanting to persuit a foreign course. What really really amazes me negetively is what my parents never told me the reality of their financial inability to send me for course...I wonder how my father still doesnt deny my thousand times repeated request and explaining to him about the values of a western course, and he still shows me quirk, quick promises and lies..just to break them with more liefull refusals on the ground of my conduct. He never clearly tells me that he is totally unable to afford my course. His lie keeps me deluded, and they blame everything on poor Petra. It was their mistake to hasten me for a pre education job interview and job that was just an IT harness and a trap just to extract me as a temporary cow, just to expell me after a few months on the basis of a trial and error. I needed to finish my Bombay course and do a job on that basis and live an independent and better life later. My gypsy roommate, a 20 years old lad had given me good advice "finish this course first and later get the best jobs, just enjoy college life and good study for now, dont hasten for a premature job"..it was totally my fathers deliberate trick perhaps to hasten me and delude me for a premature ordinary job that has hampered my life yet, and they blame everything on poor Petra girl. Its none of her error, she talked and gave me best care till I was normal and casual and sober. I conclude, that its none of her fault or deliberate hatred..she was a girl after all. Back that time I learnt over the phone that my father was admitted to the hospital for a casual heart hastenign, so called pre heart ailment. I still not know how true is his illness, but Petra then told me to get a job as soon..my father is definitely a nervous coward and always wants to be the point of attention, he still walks miles and is rather fit, except his list of "on paper" illnesses that is perhaps his excuse to feel and place himself as most important in family before he retures..old men have more ailments, age makes ailments, no big issues..I might be really more ill than him, I might be diabetic, I am mentally restless and have no future nor concern from parents, its not him but I that should be the family's point of attention..he will get his attention when his own son and me settles and earns well and marries a good girl. But its he who is minting attention by victimising me and at my cost. Back then when I not showed a more than girly concern or compassion for his illness, he took it as an offence of insult, I am no girl to roll with him and soothe his mind and body, he should know it..his illnesses on paper still dont move me, he kept me so, devoid of real perception of life..even if he dies, life would be just really difficult, but I am not going to name him a best and good father, becasue he never taught me life at all..even if he leaves back money or house, others can easily capture that on the benefit of instabilty and being easy, and I am not going to call myself lucky to just eat food with his money all my remaining life.
I made an online wailing of Petra not writing to me and kept deluding myself, only to mature and realise her innocence now, but time has passed, and after deluding and ignoring and insulting me for years, my parents now not care for me at all..they have made me a dog at house left to destiny and deliberate insult. Why unless my father did not love me and envied me? Or who knows what other worldly plans he has left for me before he leaves his life.
Amidst tensions and love lost, my parents after six months and be cheating me of foreign education made me rejoin the course in Bombay, but bang again came that same job call..a south Indian man calls, but on the directions of an Aryan Indian woman, I guess, makes me join the work, just to test my skills and fire me out when my course is detracked and they have extracted my work enough. The aryan HR lady makes a false accuse on me by just her acting of falling down on the chair, on my so called push..all a lie...Aryan women..of course Aryan women..against European girl and me..want to trap me..the Indian snake demons..my sisters..of course my sisters want to prove that they can love me better than that "bitch" Petra
Truth is women never love, some European women do, but Aryan women want slaves!
Now I realise what showed up in Bombay. Race and political orientation are just fodder for thought, they are a club of being busy. What matters is not race, in day to day life. Its a notion that some races are predominant in some places, but basically a man's worth is his credibility, credibility of his living potential. A man is not honoured for how white he is, or now kin...no one values a begger. A man has to have a food for the day, moeny to pay his coming bills, money for the rent of his house, a house to live his generations in. A man vs another man might have talks;
man A: I have a burger for myself
man B: I have two burgers, one for me and another for the pretty girl!!
man A: my flat is like a hospital dump
man B: my flat is large and well furnished, so my girlfreind likes it as her home
man A: I have no rent money to pay for the next week I might be kicked out
man B: I have enought rent money for the month...(who knows the world might go down the next month, and still this man has a place to hide his head and shelter his love..
man A: I have no rent for internet or phone, all my contacts are gone and my life is hampered.
man B: I have enough rent money for my broadband and phone bills...I can never let got my online work and freinds..internet is modern life after all
It doesnt really matter on the temporary, day to day scale that who is Aryan or not, what matters is who is fed and dressed and who can feed and dress..Aryan club, political club are only passion of the rich, a pastime of dreams, a fantasy...world will always have races, but the regular man is who needs to and can live and make someone live!!