When 8 years ago, I developed some paranoia during my Bombay life for studying a course of animation, paranoia about some guys plotting to murder the girl I loved, and about my own murder. I one day was called from college, there was an important lecture. I was too restless and sleepless since many days, the paranoia twisted in my mind all day through, to all night long, till dawn, it was winter cold, I was high on tobacco and cigarettes both, and I just could not find peace. My brahmin and native bengali flatmate suggested my father on phone to just take me back home on a brief vacation, to give me some real love and my mind some peace and rest. But my father was too busy to take me home, and rather decided that college was more important.
Earlier that morning I was kicked out of a tea shop, because I gobbled up tea and biscuits and in my paranoia and restlessness forgot the pay any money. I was left on mercy, everyone around who were used to see the jovial, kind and robust, drink less me were perplexed and did not understand my paranoid temporary wandering. They all thought that I was simply drunk, I wonder was it the after effects of the budweiser beer I had a few days earlier!!
So I decided not to take the dangerous train to college that I was used to on regular days...in my paranoia and unshaven and unbathed, dressed in messy cloths self, no taxi was paying attention to me, nor I had the patience to catch one, so I decided to walk all the way to college, while I did not even know the roads...it was quite many miles away, and I never earlier went walking to college...in my paranoia I decided it was auspicious or a miracle to walk to college, then I would find my love on the cross roads waiting to hug me walking mad, or something like that...everyday I dreamed a miracle that never happened.
I was terrified on the road of everything and every noise...I had a paranoia that my murder fermont was out and I was being hunted...so I must flee my flat and seek shelter in the college and beg the underworld don my professor for my life and my love, and as soon as possible..as I could be murdered in the taxi or train station, so walk hideously and hiding on the narrow roads and amidst the shanties, even if I did not know the roads. I was hiding and fearing since last few days, every night trying to read secret codes in peoples gestures and talks...I was thinking I was being watched and stalked, in my flat, on the roads, my phone calls, my eating habits and out times also. I thought people gave secret informations about my behaviour and the hotel boys and men called their bosses about my condition as soon as I left their shops "he has had dinner, he is leaving to his flat" etc I was on a constant hide and seek, and all OH SO DEARLY, I wanted to save the girl whom I loved and who never even spoke to me not knew anything about me, just was a very pretty konkan brahmin girl, a junior 19 years old girl in college, tall, fair and very pretty, she looked very healthy and like a model and very young Some people, guys made me believe I was in love with her, and I carried the madness so further.
So I was walking on the road, looking behind, and sides and hiding in a beard and filthy cloths, with a large brass swastika and spears necklace on my neck, shining. I walked on the bridge, went past me a European young woman, she wore a black dress and had blonde hair, with sunglasses, and was Germanic, I noticed she looked behind trying to guess what was wrong with me, why was I walking like crazy and did not even turn to see her..or maybe she was concerned because I looked Muslim, or maybe because I wore a Swastika. I thought for a second to tell my misery and about people trying to hunt me and my loved girl to the European rich tourists aside the bridge, site seeing and taking snaps of the washermen washing cloths....then what stopped me was the thought "they wont pay attention and push me aside, or that why to risk their lives, the plot was already too big, and I had made a grave error by stepping on the principles and property of underworld menace and lords because of my NAZI ideals and Brahmin love. I already believed that the Brahmin girl I loved had been brutally raped and murdered on the day of Holi on 23rd march. And that made me more mad, only thing was left to save myself from the punishment of loving her(loving that no one knew), I thought that her Muslims boyfriends and the college faculty and underworld plus her Brahmin stronghands had omerta on me, and I thought she was big stuff in a very dirty game, and she was queen of underworld beauty fame and everyone wanted her, and that the college was a part of international underworld and that the college used the college as a brooding and breeding place for international plans and the girls and fashion models all in college were part of a big human rearing and supplying business, a raquet. That the girls were a commodity and were supplied and passed on to students making good art and representing the college or fulfilling secret underworld purposes and secret meets...and that there were larger and more important and powerful players and receivers in the game..that the whole system performed in a hierarcy, from the students, to faculty to chairpersons to clients, to international clients and the college system in the UK, and that Jewish minds and business was controlling all this internationally. And that the cess and aborted carcass was sold to the Muslim hotel nearby that was linked to Islamic underworld and the mince meat sold their in tasty flavour with bread was actually minced human meat. And somehow I had found out their agenda, and as I was not usefull for them, so they were gradually ousting and torturing me by turning me mad with their Jewish Aryan maddening mind games and eventually I was to be raped and murdered.
So I crossed the roads and was moving through the narrow roads, oblivious of where I was going in my madness, still certain that I was hiding from my non existent murderers. I noticed, that I dont even remember now, and not felt at all even then, a motor bike from behind banged my pelvis or hip...and he toppled....I did not feel any pain, just a jerk and my madness and my mad course was interrupted for a minute...the biker, a muslim young guy in a decorated cake-cap and a muslim outfit returned back to me, I thought I was done for, it was a feeling of partial fears of reality and partially the madness that the murderer has got me....he said somewhat strictly "where to big brother?"...I was aghast, I then knew how coward I was..I thought he will murder me, I said in a way of pleading for my life "brother...brother..I made a mistake...forgive me"..he said "big brother see, even my bike handle got thrusted and bent, my mirror is also broken, I was in quite some speed, I almost fell on road, just take care".....all these years I thought that he was asking for reparations....I now get that he was actually telling me "man you are very strong, even when my bike hit you on full speed and you are still walking, better get a medical examination or xray done".....earlier due to unconscious walking I had even eloped a car and large truck, every student was amazed at how I was so fearless and careless on the roads...they did not tell me that I was a small town guy with a really dull and numb mind.
Few days later my parents took me back to home and started my mental examination and treatment, while I now know that perhaps the paranoia was just temporary and all I really needed was love and good sleep. Love chasing always turns me mad, I am not those kind of guys who can be strong and win love, some girl really has to do charity on me and come by her own. Years of mental treatment and pills just ruined my memory and aptitude, still I can now somehow write, speak, think and do art. I wish a lot in my life was easier and I lived in a different world, in the real sense, I also wanted and need success and a life of love and laughter.